Malibu Is Left Utterly Shocked after theft of $8,000 Chanel handbag, Dua Lipa cold-water smooch

One theft is all it takes to send an entire community into a tailspin and it appears that happened earlier this month in the coastal enclave of Malibu, California. The Malibu Times reports that a black Chanel designer purse supposedly worth $8,000 was pilfered from a white (of course) BMW (naturally) parked (improbably?) on the Pacific Coast Highway. Who parks on P.C.H.??

Certainly not middling vocal talent Dua Lipa, the voice that many of us know thanks to YouTube inanity and the uber-annoying, beyond cloying Calvin Harris-produced mistake track called “One Kiss.” Well apparently one kiss between Dua and some dude in Malibu was enough to send the paparazzi overboard and sow even more discord in Malibu than the day that fatso starf*cker James Corden moved in. And why is this so? Because a) Malibu beaches are simply not made for k*ssing.  For one thing, the water is too c*ld. (and if you need a wetsuit to pretend to surf, please get the f out of the way.) And b) Dua Lipa. Just, please. Won’t you save us again Miley? Please… come back!