Okay Lindsay Lohan, You Can Go Home. Now.

Editor’s note: this overdue rant putting little Lindsay in her place, wherever that is, was originally meant for television, but the Internet lasts longer, and requires less make-up.

Forget about the rumors of cocaine and drugs (ok so, where I went to high school we didn’t really think of coke as a drug, but that’s life in what was to become Kardashian country, Calabasas), or the fact that Oprah probably isn’t on speed dial anymore.

When you grow up in Southern California you get used to seeing spoiled brats, often blond, who will never know an honest day’s work in their life, read a few lines from an awful script and then end up hosting SNL, diving into a pool of their own vomit on a roofdeck hotel bar on Sunset Boulevard or possibly both. In any case, you’re in it, you’ve seen it, you’re not impressed.

So when the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, calls an irritating, flake news website like Buzzfeed “a piece of garbage” you have to think he has sh*t like this in mind: buzz1

First of all, that isn’t dancing (and that’s not really DJ’ing either. I’ve been to Ibiza, folks).  It’s a few carefully scripted moves designed to be posted on Instagram and then picked up and picked over by pieces of Internet “garbage” like Buzzfeed. Also, I thought I heard some DJ fake-screaming “this is how you party in Mykonos!!” Friends, this is not how you party in Mykonos. And by the way Lindsay, I think Bea Arthur called, and she wants the evening gown she wore to the 1973 Emmy Awards back. (If you like, I can point you to some great Greek fashion boutiques. They’re not in Mykonos.)

Now check this out this gem:

linds4

 

Totally serious? Wow. Because if you take your measure of Greek island street cred by judging footwear, then you know as much about Greek islands as Pope Francis (miserando atque eligendo!) does about heterosexual sex. Get out! Now!

Cross-check and verify, was that fash spazz attack for reals?

lind3

Kinda looks that way. #Sad. And then, LO-HAN and behold,  there’s THIS:

lind2

So it’s ok to bag on your underlings’ footwear but then show up for a shoot in a transparent sort of whatever dress? Let me guess, her production company is the same outfit behind Keeping Up With The Kardashians, right? Actually, it is. As Aphrodite just turns away and shrugs…and how about this…would this make you shrug or perhaps formulate some other kind of gesticulation?

lindsay1

Was that Part Two of that whole Lindsay-stands-by-Harvey-Weinstein thing? Oy vey as Pope Francis might say, if he were Jewish. Speaking of Jews, Tiffany Trump!! Did you see the one about the night Tiffany Trump (who may or may not be able to spell the word Jew, even if she isn’t one) partied with Lindsay one languorous summer night at her “beach club” on the wind-swept ATM on crack that is Mykonos? If you believe that stomping ground of great journalism, E Online, the party was “a fundraiser for the victims of the Greek wildfires.” Sure. For another digital disaster, it was a fundraiser to “prevent wildfires” in Greece. Right. You can be sure the Greek treasury was just bursting at the seams following a night of charitable debauchery starring Lindsay Lohan and Our Girl Trump. They probably had more euros than they knew what to do with! Wow!

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have to fight for the right to party. If anyone can put up with Hollywood for more than a year without pulling out their hair extensions, more power to them. But did you know that the best parties in the Greek islands aren’t on little Mykonos? The place is a money pit, and strictly Micky-mouse. The basic rule of Mediterranean indulgence is if Saudi “princes” are in tow, honeybun you’re on the wrong rock. I mean, check out this one:

PathosClubIos

And I’m not even going to tell you where it is, because I don’t have a club to promote. Some of us have to focus on our acting.

–Antoine de GRANT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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