Here are some stories you don’t want to miss in a new Iran Air in-flight magazine

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Iran Air Deals Ready for Takeoff, the Wall Street Journal has reported. In case a revamped in-flight magazine is also in the works for Iran’s Boeing-buffered embassy in the skies, we’ve conjured this secret memo of stories you might like to see in those pages but probably won’t. Darn (?)

embassy

12. HOW TO RANSACK AN EMBASSY: Easy Steps for All Ages, and Most Countries

momoa

11. HOW I STONED YOUR MOTHER: a conversation with Nikki Nooshan, co-producer of the new hit reality series from Bravo’s Andy Cohen

nope

10. FIFTY NIFTY WAYS to Deceive an American President (Heh heh, just don’t call it cheating!)

by  Ghasem Rojani,  author of the Man Booker Prize-winning “Of Superpowers and Snow Jobs” 

persiangulf

9. ROCKETS IN OUR POCKETS: the definitive mini-guide to family boating in the Persian Gulf

let’s see if that Peter Greenburg guy can do it

comedy

8. ESFAHA-HAN! Inside the Secret Comedy Clubs of Persia’s 2nd City

 by former U.S. State Dept. Spokesperson Jen Psaki, and some intern at VICE

cartoonist

7. PICTURE THIS: How Our Holocaust-denial cartoon contests do more for youth empowerment than Oprah

Hmm, should we make that one longform?

persiangays

6. ARE YOU A FRIEND OF NADER’S? The All-In Guide to Persian Gay Sex

by some bear

caviar

5. BELUGA CAVIAR FOR KIDS!

Making the pride of the Caspian Sea (or what’s left of it) lunchbox-friendly

saffron

4. KULINARY KORNER: our famous recipe for Saffron rice with lamb and Hezbollah sauce

trow that copy editor a bone

carpet

3. PERSIAN CONTRIBUTIONS to World Heritage & Culture, Part I: Persian carpets

90909

2. Persian Contributions to World Heritage & Culture, Part II: More Persian carpets

yemen

1. HOW TO SUCCEED IN INVADING YEMEN WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

with a forward by Joe Biden

And that’s just Issue One! End memo. cc: Andy Cohen

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